


What it Feels Like

by cardinalwrites



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: 13x10 Coda, Angst, Canon verse, Coda, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Wayward Sisters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 16:59:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13415649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardinalwrites/pseuds/cardinalwrites
Summary: Coda for 13x10 Wayward SistersDean goes to talk to Claire after the events of getting out of the other world.





	What it Feels Like

There’s a lot of things that sucked from the last few hours. Dean didn’t get to finish his lizard. Sam and he got kidnapped by a power ranger wannabe, and Claire saw Kaia die right in front of her. Dean knew exactly how all of those things sucked in their own right and how they all collectively sucked together.

But what Dean hated the most was knowing exactly how it was affecting Claire and knowing there was nothing he could do to him. After all, he’s been in the exact same shoes.

“Knock knock,” he whispered as he inched open the door to Claire’s room. She sat on her bed, back turned but hunched over. If the image of her like that didn’t clue Dean in at first that she'd been crying, the muffled sobs and stained face made it a dead giveaway. But Dean didn’t need any of those indicators to begin with. “Mind if I sit with you for a bit?”

Claire didn’t respond for a few seconds, enough time for Dean to come into the room and close the door. He slowly lowered himself on the side of the bed, every movement in his mind mapped because of the number of times he’s heard Sam do the exact same thing. 

“Claire,” he started. Claire only continued to look at the pillows on the bed. “Claire, if I’m gonna say what I’m gonna say, you need to look at me.”

“Not in the mood,” Claire answered. “Please.”

Dean sighed. “I know you’re not. But humor me, huh?”

After a brief few seconds, Claire angled her head slightly more towards Dean but otherwise remained in the same position. Dean took for what it was worth. 

“Okay, just listen. You don’t have to say anything.” Dean paused to see if Claire was acknowledging. When Claire slowly nodded her head once, he continued. “I know I hate it when people tell me this, I really do, but I can’t not tell you I know what it feels like to lose someone––”

“Stop.”

Dean paused, expecting the interjection. “Clair–”

At the mention of her name, Claire whirled around. “Stop telling me you know what it’s like because you’ve been doing this longer. Stop telling me this is what you felt like when you lost Sam. Stop telling me it’ll get better because you don’t know what this feels like!” She yelled. “Not like this.” The rage-centered quietness returned to her voice towards the end. “You don’t know what _this_ feels like.”

Dean let her have a few minutes to calm down. At least she was now fully turned to him. When it was clear she had settled again, he started once more. “You say I don’t know what this,” he gestured to her, “feels like, that knowing feeling in your bones because you feel like the one good that that only just showed up in your life was suddenly ripped out from you.”

“She’s not Sam, Dea–”

“I know full well she’s not Sam, Claire. That’s exactly the point,” Dean refused to raise his voice. If he was gonna get Claire to listen it had to be one on one. “That’s exactly the point,” he reiterated.

Claire turned to look at him in the eye, eyes measured, trying to read him. Dean cursed inwardly. Even if they weren’t exactly related, they had the same eyes. “What’s the point, Dean? Tell me if it’s gonna get you out of here sooner,” She spoke evenly.

Dean closed his eyes and to rub a hand over his face. “Let me guess, you’re feeling like you walked her into her death, right? Like you could’ve saved her? You wanted to protect her, make sure she was safe because, hell, you two were alike in more ways than you wanted to admit.” Dean’s breath hitched at the last few words, his thoughts echoing conversations from another time. “You thought things could be different, maybe you didn’t have to be alone…” Dean looked down to the edge of Claire’s nightstand. “You thought you’d found someone you could actually spend more than a few months with and not hate, to put it one way.

“And then it all went away. Right in front of you. Just a—” Dean moved his hand to mimic a soft clap, the sound barely going beyond where they sat. “—stab in the back with nothing you could do to save ‘em. Then you’re left with this… this _pit._ Just lodged in your heart because all that hope you’d started letting yourself think about is just gone. There’s no more daydreams, no more maybes; just a crap ton of what-ifs and ‘should’ve done it’s’.

Claire, I didn’t come here to tell you it’s gonna get better. I came here to tell you it’s gonna suck and suck a hell of a lot worse if you keep bottling it up like this.” He paused. “Take it from me.”

Claire only studied Dean, his frame now having changed to be facing the wall instead of her, eyes not meeting. “You’re not talking about losing Sam,” she guessed.

“Ding ding there, sister.” Dean didn’t sound happy.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each in their own thoughts before Claire spoke again, her voice not as stuffed as it was when Dean had first come in. “How did you deal.” It wasn’t phrased like a question, more like an acceptance of the truth.

“I didn’t,” Dean sucked in a breath. “I killed myself, Claire. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Because they were gone from your life.”

“Because he died and I couldn’t stop it,” Dean relented. “I kept it in me and it just kept building and building to the point where Sammy and I were on a hunt and I didn’t care if I could trade my life for the souls that were trapped in a house.”

If Claire had any epiphanies in that moment, she kept them to herself. “But clearly you’re still here.”

“Yeah,” Dean scoffed. “Story for another time.”

“What changed?”

Dean angled his head in Claire’s direction, a small smile creeping onto his face despite the somber talk. “He came back. Friggin’ called me like it was just another Thursday night. We _burned_ his body and he still came back from another _dimension_ despite everything in our world telling us it was impossible.” He cleared his throat. “Now, I’m no expert on any of this Twilight Zone dimension crap, but if I can get that kind of win after losing the best person in my life, then there’s still hope even when we feel like we lost it all.”

“I thought you said you weren’t gonna tell me things were gonna get better,” Despite her claims, Claire had a similar note of color back in her face.

“What I’m trying to say is that carrying all this alone will not turn out the way you want. Even if you’ve lost all hope, make sure someone else still holds onto it.” Dean turned so Claire could see his face. He knew he’s started tearing up a long time ago. “So they can carry that hope for you too, if only for just a little while. That’s what changed.”

Dean moved to rest a hand on Claire’s shoulder in a silent goodbye. “I’ll call Jody when we get back, but you call me if you need a shoulder, okay?” He didn’t expect Claire to say anything while he made his way to the door.

“Dean?”

“Hm?” He paused by the door.

Claire’s eyes moved around the room. “Tell Cas I miss him? And if maybe he’d call me, too? And thanks, but this conversation never happened; for both our sakes.”

At that, Dean gave a genuine laugh. “Will do.”

* * *

Later that night while Sam took point driving, Dean got a text.

_I don’t know what you said to her, but she’s staying for a while. Drive safe you two._

**_That’s good to hear, but I didn’t say anything to her, Jody. Nothing she didn’t already know._**  

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on


End file.
